Treading Water

I haven’t put together a blog post in 3 weeks. That’s the longest gap between my efforts in blogging since I started this properly 12 months ago. I just haven’t had those “ping!” moments where an idea comes to me & I start putting words down.

My brain has just felt so empty.

And at the same time, so full.

Since the start of the year I have been treading water. So many of us have.

The anxiety, stress, confusion, frustration in early January when the media circus tormented us all about the reopening or not reopening of schools. And the same again in mid-January, and at the end of January.

The mental turmoil of working from home, trying to teach my own kids, keeping the house half respectable, keeping decent meals on the table. making sure we didn’t all turn into malnourished, uneducated slobs.

The sadness of knowing there would be no visits, no visitors, no social outlet at all for the forseeable future just added to that turmoil.

Feeling lonely when you are never actually alone.

Treading water.

Barely keeping my chin up.

Some days I swallowed some of that water and it often felt like I was drowning.

A lot of who I follow online are people very similar to me. Instagram in particular is a great “community” that I have really come to enjoy and rely on in many ways. Lots of similar minded women and mothers, most if not all of whom have expressed feelings like what I have described above in recent times.

It’s been, and continues to be, feckin HARD!

We got some reprieve this week, in our house at least. The eldest is back to school, I’m back to work, and the smallie will be back to playschool next week.

The feeling of treading water has eased, but there is still a level of discomfort, anxiety, sadness there that just will not shift.

Yes, school is essential and the benefits of school for children are obvious to us all.

But it’s all so uncertain. There’s no feeling of security this time. We thought we were away with it last September, and the rug was pulled out from under us again before long.

Day by day, week by week, I will be wincing as I check for the daily numbers to be announced. Those numbers dictate our lives. How ridiculous and terrifying is that? Will they stay “good” enough for all the classes to return? Will we all be back Seesawing our lives away in April? Bloody better not be…!

We continue to tread water, keep our chins just above the surface, gasping for air when the waves churn up.

January was extremely tough,

February was hard.

March? It’s feeling easier. It’s looking brighter, literally and metaphorically.

But I’m still treading.

And I’m tired of it.

How long can we actually stay in one place?

Time will tell.

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